I can’t. 

i don’t feel like I can trust him anymore, maybe i even want to, but i just can’t let myself believe him, because i don’t know if he means the things he says. I know i got used to not having him in my life, I had even stopped thinking about him but now that he’s been back into my life since last week, and we’re talking all the time i can’t help but wonder about what happened to us and how we’ve become. though he said he’s sorry and he admitted to being a completle jerk and asshole, i still can’t believe him. He’s jumping into things too fast and i don’t even know how to deal with him anymore. things changed because of him and because of what he did. he was the one that let me go and pushed me away. now he regrets it, but he’s still a coward for doing what he’s doing now, the flirtation and the saying something but meaning something else thing. i feel like i can’t handle this anymore, or more like why should i tolerate this. he did it to himself, and though i feel that i have to be there for him because he needed me, i just don’t know how to believe him, though i know he’s not lying. but i just can’t. having him back into my life these days made me miss the old him, not the him now. yes, i know now, i miss the old him. it made me think again about all the things that could have happened if he had stayed and not left without explaining. i want to ask him: what happened to us? though i know what happned. he drifted. he forgot he had me beside him, willing to go through anything with him. I guess he took me for granted. 

if i could just tell him:

look at our converstations, they’re boring. it’s like we can’t talk anymore, like we don’t get along. like we turned again into two stangers who just happened to be attracted to one another. i forgot all the answers to questions we both spent hours asking and answering and i bet he did, too. what are you trying to do now? after all this time? i found closure and i don’t think i want something more. i don’t know if anything you ever told me was really what you felt, and i feel like i can’t believe you. i miss the old you and i feel like we can’t have what we had back, and i feel lost. 

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…and then I see his photo and…

So after a week of deciding to move to the city that he doesn’t live in, and realizing that making this decision and being able to means that i am over him and that i’m ready to completely move on without thinking that i want to give it another shot and without thinking so much about the past. And i say to myself: i don’t care about him (which i don’t really) and that i don’t want to see him anymore or maybe that i just don’t care about seeing him anymore, it’s not like 3 weeks ago when all i wanted was a chance to see him one more time and hug him tight. But yesterday just before I went to be scrolling to social media i see two photos that he recently posted and my heart starts to race and i lose my breath…and I keep thinking that i want to, i want to see him. What the hell brain?

my fear of losing

As for me I fear losing little moments on trips, in which I’m so happy and feel everything around me so deeply. The air on my skin, the light through my eyes and the scents through my nose. In these moments I swear it feels like I’m on top of the world- then I feel that anything is possible and that I can do anything.11221947_882868995102017_3759592365206425840_n

If…

If by any chance it turns out that they got back together or that he’s with someone other than her now, while we both are slowely getting back into each other’s life and i’m constantly asking him for help, then I would feel much less pressure on me and I would stop questoning what he wants from me and wondering if he likes me again- because it somehow feels like a responsibilty towards myself to hurt him or to make him suffer, even just for a tiny bit, so if he’s with someone I won’t feel that there is by any chance the possibilty that he’s intersted again (which would be an explanation for all the nice helpful things he’s been doing since May) and this would get this load off of my back. i don’t really know how to explain what i’m thinking or the relief I would be feeling if that is to be the case. Anyway I’m going to deal with him, as if there is somone in his life: like that I won’t get crushed if there really is, and it would help me not fall back in love with him, but also if it turns out that he is interested in me again, it will be easier this way to ignore him and be able to control myslef and not maybe lead him on so he would get the message that i’m no longer interested, though one day I was madly in love with him and would have given anything up for being with him.

so yeah it would be a kind of relief of the feeling that I might hurt him. Because even though he broke my heart, I don’t feel like I want revenge anymore…or maybe I do?